Oh by the way...

Did you know that I'm having a mid-life crisis?  No? Yes?  Well, that's sure what it feels like. 

My exercising efforts have not been as valiant as I would have liked, but I have walked twice in the last two days.  And those walks felt pretty good.

Twenty years ago August, at the age of 18, I moved out of the only home I'd ever known and to New York City with a man I believed I would spend the rest of my life with.  I made this decision blindly (and stupidly in hindsight).  I truly believed that I would not find anyone else who would want me and love me.  As the years went by and we grew to be more roommates than lovers or partners, I started to search and find myself and who I really was and what I really wanted.  At the time, I defined myself as how other's saw me or how I thought they wanted to see me.  I started to look inward.  I allowed myself to have my own thoughts and opinions.  I knew more than anything I didn't want to continue the life I was living.  This led me to focus on my studies and I found a new love, science. 

I love science!  I love it's logic and structure.  I love that the more I learn, the more I realize that I don't know much!  I love to share what little I do know with others.  It excites me in a way I have never felt.  I still love it so.

Ten years ago August, I graduated from college and moved to Houston to start graduate school for Developmental Biology.  I was so naive.  Even though I was now 28, I had no idea what it was like to do something on my own.  I had been living with wool pulled over my eyes and basically being led by the wrist through the previous 10 years.  Although the last couple of those 10, I had been rediscovering myself, I still had no idea what I was doing. 

So here I am, 28 years old...should know better.  But I think I absolutely went a little crazy.  I started realizing and believing that a I was a person of value and that people wanted me, to be just me.  It was the first time in my life that I said and did whatever I wanted.  And I made friends!  Lots of them!  Then the romance started.  I was so surprised still that there were people in this world that would find me attractive and actually want to have sex with me!  This was a completely foreign concept. 

So let's just say that I spent the next 10 years doing a little bit of everything.  Making mistakes and learning from them, sometimes later than should have been.

Which brings us current.  Another 10 years has past and I am 38.  Where am I?  I'm still struggling to figure out what my big picture is and how I can expedite attaining the things I want in life.  As I reflect on the last 20 years of my life since I've been "an adult", I'm reminded that I still don't know much.

And why am I even bothering with this introspection?  What good does it do?  I'm not sure, but over-analyzing is apparently my second job, so I do it.  Events seem to be marked by the 10 years for me and I'm curious and hopeful that I can start this next 10 years with my eyes wide open.  At the same time, I'm terrified.  TERRIFIED!  I can't do another 10 years of wandering aimlessly, let alone one minute of it!  I need focus, direction, stability!  I need to take care of myself because as much as I don't want to admit it, there might not ever be anyone who signs up for the job.  I'm more confused than ever, and what's worse, I've met Someone...

And this Someone comes along at a pretty good time.  I overall like myself.  I like the person I've become, I'm not proud of some of the things I've done, but it's all a part of making me.  But it brings up insecurities in my subconscious that are tormenting me.  These feelings I have remind me of when I first moved here and that sense of new that everything had.  Someone is also in science and it intrigues me so very much.  I find him handsome and adorable all at the same time.  I like the way I feel when I'm with him.  And we haven't been out but only twice.  So here's where my brain goes off the tracks.  I'm totally obsessing over it and will end up smothering it if I don't stop.  I feel like I'm putting everything on this one "potential" as if it's my last chance.  Well, to be honest, that's how I feel.  I hear this fucking clock in my head "Tick, tick, tick, tick, tick..." and time just keeps marching on.  I'm more than likely at the mid-point of my life and still haven't found what I'm looking for (insert U2 reference here).  I need help...