Are you kidding me?

This is exactly what I thought sitting in the little orientation for the Methodist Hospital weight management program.... "Are you fucking kidding me?"  $800 dollars a month (for at least the first 3 months) for this program.  Surely, you can't be serious?  I am serious, and don't call me Shirley.  Um, thanks for the pen, but no thanks.  I will do this on my own. 

It's a fascinating thought though.  Too bad I don't have an extra GRAND a month to do this.  But it brings up an interesting point that I am willing to make some serious commitments to this journey if I had really even considered this program to begin with. 

Not only would the financial commitment be considerable, but the mental changes required would be  significant.  So apparently I am ready to make these changes because if I had the money, you bet your sweet ass I'd sign up. 

Major changes include dramatically changing the way I eat, but I actually don't mind a low carbohydrate diet.  In addition, I need to go reduced fat.  And the most difficult of all will be the drinking.  However, this will be a nice test to see how strong I can really be.  So how will I start this?  Hmmmm, I am not sure.  I'm tempted to start cold turkey and just immediately eliminate the "bad" stuff from going into my pie hole.  But there is a part of my brain telling me to step down off the carbs and booze.  Food for thought.  

Baby steps

I'm far from where I want to be, but still moving in the forward direction.  I walked twice last week, but had really hoped to get at least one more in.  Still struggling with eating and boozing, but I have a feeling things are about to drastically change.

I've made an appointment today to attend a consultation at the Methodist Hospital Weight Management Center.  This is a comprehensive physician supervised program with very low calorie (VLC) restrictions.  I had a friend I knew who went on the program and lost a significant amount of weight very rapidly.  While, he was not able to keep the weight off, they also have programs to teach you once you've lost the weight how to incorporate proper habits into your life. 

So what does this mean.  It means that while I was on the program, there would be no drinking what so ever.  That is a little scary.  I am worried about the effects that will have on me.  I would say I have a dependence on alcohol, mainly for sleep.  On nights where I don't drink or only drink a little, I have very fitful, interrupted sleep.  So this is something that I would need to address with the doctors.  While they might be able to prescribe some medication to help with sleep, I can't help but think that maybe there's a bigger problem.  We'll get back to that later. 

For now, I'm nervous for this consultation.  I think it's the first time I've really sought help medically for my weight problem.  It terrifies me to think about surgery.  I have known people who have had surgery and been very happy and successfully kept their weight off after initial loss.  On the other hand, I know people who had surgery and still have a weight problem.  It's this fact, that weight loss surgery might not work for me that motivates me to seek an alternative that helps me change the way I think and interact about food and drink.

I'll let you know how it went. 

Keep calm and keep going...

Booze, booze, booze

I don't know why, but I'm in love with that word.  It kind of makes me giggle. 

I'm a drunk.  Not exactly a fact that I like seeing in words, but it's true.  I drink every night and usually over do it on the weekends.  I don't necessarily have a problem that needs intervention because I don't need to drink to get up and function.  It's just become daily routine to drink.  And I'm not alone.  I can think off hand at least a dozen people I know who do the same thing.  Do you realize how many calories are in drinks? It's a metric fuck-ton.  So not only have I not been eating the healthiest food, but I'm also overloading my body with empty boozy calories.  Awesome. According to the Franzia website (because I'm classy like that!) the Chillable Red has 105 calories per 5oz. serving.  5oz!!!! Are you kidding me?!  There are 8 fluid ounces in a cup.  Holy-portion-control Batman.  There is a major problem.  So let's break this down.  Say I drink out of a 22oz. Eskimo Joe's cup, then fill it with ice, then top with wine. How many ounces of fluid am I getting per glass?  That's the tricky part.  Even still, let's play devil's advocate here and say that on average, I get 15oz. of wine per cup, for the ease of math.  Then how many refills do I have a night?  I probably filled up my cup at least 5 times last night.  Oh Lord, here we go:

105 per 5oz. serving x 3 servings per cup x 5 times refilled = 1575.  Holy Cannoli.

So for an average weight loss, people are typically recommended to have an 1800 calorie diet per day.  Yeah, it's not rocket science here folks.  I think we're finally getting down to brass tacks here.  Booze is making and keeping me fat.  That sucks.  So if I'm really going to make a true effort here, I'm going to have to stop drinking. Period.

Day 4 Update

So I made an excuse Tuesday for not walking.  The sky did look like it was going to unleash a storm and even the temperature dropped.  But we got not one single drop of rain.  FAIL.

I also realized that I really wasn't that sore from my first walk.  Maybe I'm tooting my own horn here, but oveall, I'm not in bad shape fitness-wise.  I have good strength still, it's just covered in fat.  FAT!  Anyway...  So I decided to push myself a little more and walk another route through the neighborhood that would take me further out then obviously further to get back.  So I set out and set a pretty good pace, using my MP3 player to help me set the pace by playing upbeat music.  I also changed my stride a little, trying to take longer strides, increasing the strain on my muscles used for each step.  This seemed to work faily well as I felt I had a good heartrate going and felt that it would have been slightly dificult to carry on a conversation if I had to.  So I weaved through my neighborhood, fighting sidewalks that have given up against tree roots.

Where was I?

So this whole writing thing is new to me.  I feel a little lost when I try to go back and pick up where my thought process had left off.  I had meant to continue the "Day 4" post but got distracted and I've completely lost the train of thought on it. So I'll just start again.

It's Monday and it sucks.  I didn't do anything toward my fitness goal over the weekend.  I want to walk tonight, but it's my turn to cook and I'm not sure if I'll have time.  We always tend to eat late anyway, so I need to try and prevent that. 

I feel completely bombarded by "dieting techniques."  The Paleo plan seems to make sense to me, but it's very strict.  You basically cut out all refined grains, including flours, rice, corn, anything that the caveman didn't have at the end of the Paleolithic period.  Oh yeah, and let's not forget about no dairy.  The theory is that is when our digestive system stopped evolving and that the reason we're fat is because we simply haven't developed the tools to digest and process these over-processed foods adequately.  I kinda buy it, but I'm not drinking all the kool-aid.  I understand that the caveman might not have been that intelligent, but pretty sure if he ate cow, he probably drank the milk too.  Who knows though, maybe I'm the stupid one. 

But I love milk!  And cheese!  And cheese!  I've been contemplating trying the soy milk to see if I could replace my beloved cow milk.  That would be a very hard commitment for me, to cut out all dairy.  Then I remembered that a friend had to cut out all cow dairy as she was allergic.  And I saw the pounds literally fall off her.  Not that she was big to begin with, but i saw a noted weight loss happen.  Hmm...

And again, I struggle with this damn water bottle staring at me.  I've made it through one full one and I'm still thirsty, so I guess it's on to number two. 

ugh

Water, water everywhere but not a drop to drink.

I hate drinking water.  I can't put a peg on why that is, but it was never something I willingly wanted to drink.  Maybe it has to do with growing up poor and not often having other options around, so it was either go without or drink water.  Well, I think in my stubborness, I'm more apt to go without.  So in my effort to try and be healthier, I'm trying to drink water.  This is not some simple task mind you.  I can be very stubborn.  (Hence, why I'm in the situation I'm in, in the first place).  So I have this Brita bottle that has a cute little built in filter and I can get tap water, fill the bottle, then suck the heck out of this bottle to get water.  It sucks. 

But I can't see the justification of spending money on water.  I already spend money on water.  It comes out of my faucets at my house.  I pay for that.  I shouldn't have to pay for "drinking water" from the grocery store just because they say it's better and packaged in cute little bottles.  On the other hand, the water that comes out of the faucet tastes funny.  Also, the pipes in my house are quite old and who knows what kind of chemicals have leached out and are swimming around down there.  So therein lies my dilemma.  So for now, I choose to filter water.  But I don't drink enough.  I will most certainly pass on the water at the table for any other choice.  I might drink it if it's there, but I'm pretty much never going to walk into a restaurant and order a water. 

So here I am, sitting at my desk, looking at that pitful water bottle.  I've drank most of one today, but I don't see it happening again. 

Stop the insanity!!!

Remember that Susan Powter commerical where she screams "STOP THE INSANITY" from the nineties?  I do.  It was pretty freaking funny if you ask my, but she had a good point.  After looking at her website, she is a little batshit crazy, but overall, she's trying to get us to empower ourselves, literally.

I think about the definition of insantiy and how there a couple different ways to define insantiy.  Merriam-Webster defines insanity as "a severely disordered state of mind, usually occurring as a specific disorder (as paranoid schizophrenia)."  I prefer to think about Albert Einstein, who has been credited with authoring the amusing definition "doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results."  But there's some debate that he actually said that.  So again, I go to research the interwebs and come across a similar quote: "Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again but expecting different results" by Rita Mae Brown.  Rita Mae Brown??? Isn't that the name of the character Whoopi Goldberg played in Ghost?  Oh, wait, She played Oda Mae Brown, who then impersonated the fictional person Rita Miller and took all the money.  Whoa!  I digress...  The point, doing the same thing, expecting different results.  Now, I'm a scientist, and have practiced the scientific method of research for years.  One of the central dogmas of the scientific method for doing research is that you should well document your experiment.  Why you might ask?  For reproducibility.  Another person should be able to come along and perform the same actions and get the same result... on purpose.  So with that in mind, if you change any one variable in your experiment, you should get different results.  Stay with me here.  I'm trying to bring it home.  All these years I've been overweight, I've somehow been expecting that it will just miraculously disappear.  For some dumb reason, I thought my metabolism would just suddenly take an upswing and the pounds would fall off, even though I haven't changed one damn thing in my lifestyle.  Insanity, right?

So here I am, finally ready to make that change.  Even still though, this morning I found how difficult that is going to be.  The convenience of fast food and the lure of it's deliciousness.  I was sucked in.  I got a sausage McMuffin and a large diet coke.  I took off half the english muffin and tossed it in the trash.  I didn't even get the hash browns to be tempted by yummy fried potatoes.  Ugh!!  Already!  So let's take a look at what I did eat versus what I used to eat.

Past:
Sausage Egg McMuffin - Calories: 450, Fat: 27, Cholesterol: 285, Sodium: 920, Carbs: 30, Fiber: 2
Hash Browns - Calories: 150, Fat: 9, Cholesterol: 0, Sodium: 310, Carbs: 15, Fiber: 2
Total - Calories: 600, Fat: 36, Cholesterol: 285, Sodium: 1230, Carbs: 45, Fiber: 4

Today:
Sausage Egg McMuffin - Calories: 450-66=384, Fat: 27-0.5=26.5, Cholesterol: 285, Sodium: 920-123=797, Carbs: 30-12=18, Fiber: 2-1=1.  (I found nutritional data online for the english muffin then halved it to deduct for the half I didn't eat.)

So percent improvement
Calories: 41%
Fat: 26%
Cholesterol: 0%
Sodium: 35%
Carbs: 60%
Fiber: 75% (not good)

So yeah, it was better than eating all that, but it still isn't what I should be eating at all.  Whenever I think about breakfast food, I think of carbohydrate laden food.  Suffice it to say, that I need to do some serious work in this department.  But I felt "full" or "sated" for several hours. 

Awesome!

Day One... Six Days late (oh and about 20 years)

And so it begins...

I just got done with my first walk.  It was for about 30 minutes and I did 20 jumping jacks before I started.  I feel pretty good.

I had an epiphany today.  It was a gradually progressing epiphany mind you, but it started this morning when I got dressed.  My pants that I'd chosen to wear today were tight and uncomfortable.  I found this strange since I had worn them within the last couple of weeks and I didn't remember them fitting that way.  Now, mind you, I've never liked the way these pants fit, but I have a limited wardrobe, so I wear what's available.  They were extremely tight across the belly, the fattest part of my body.  But I chose to leave the house in them anyway thinking they'd maybe "give" a little as the day went on. 

Sadly, I was mistaken.  Things only seemed to go from bad to worse.  And by the end of the day, I had a deep red indentation in my "waist" where the pants were digging in.  Ugh.

So that's it.  No more excuses.  I am the world's biggest excuse maker.  I can come up with an excuse as to why my life is the way it is to justify it to server whatever purpose happens to be meaningful at the time.  It starts today.

Now I have been making some other positive changes lately.  I have been cleaning the kitchen when it's dirty despite who dirtied it.  There are a few exceptions to this rule, but you have to understand how my stance has changed in order to appreciate the significance of this.  I loathe cleaning the kitchen.  It is probably the room I hate the most to clean.  Oh, who am I kidding, I hate cleaning in general.  However, the kitchen gets the dirtiest the fastest and the grossest.  I can't stand the smell of a dirty kitchen.   I used to be such a bitch about not cleaning it if someone else messed it up.  It seemed unfair to me.  Why should I have to clean up your dirty dish mess?  Well, the answer is simple.  It bothers ME.  If it bothers ME, I should do something about it.  So, I've been cleaning the kitchen a lot and you know what?  It feels pretty good.  I started the dishwasher this morning when I left for work and emptied it on my lunch.  I think it's an awesome feeling to come home to a clean kitchen and a nearly empty dishwasher. 

I have been cooking more (which does though support my old thought of cleaning up our own messes, but whatever).  I got a subscription to Southern Living magazine and have loved cooking for myself and friends.  It's fun!!  This leads me to another change.

I used to hate going to the grocery store, especially by myself.  Tough shit.  So I make a list and get an appropriate sized cart and go when I need to.  Not putting it off until (insert excuse here).  Just GOING. 

So here's my plan, exercise, eat better, cook more, makes no excuses, and get out of this "situation" i've put myself in.  Which gets me back to the point of why I'm doing this.  I'm fat.  Oh, man I am obese and I hate it.  It's a hard thing to admit that I'm actually morbidly obese, but I think the numbers support that.  I'm 5'6", probably around 255lbs. and completely out of shape.  And I just don't want to be any more.  So no more excuses.  The end starts today.  Join me on this journey if you want.  I plan to document this experience for some accountability to myself.  There will be times that will be difficult and I will probably share more than you may want to hear, but remember this is for me and about me.  Also if you find a reference to other people in here, it is not meant to pick on them or possibly even sound accusatory, but don't misunderstand.  I will do my best to make sure that I talk about MY feelings and MY reactions, not about what other people are doing.

See ya tomorrow.