Another year, another couple months, another week... down the drain.

So here we are in 2013 and I've already lost January, February, and the first week of March.  I have however, made SOME changes which will ultimately lead to my goals.  Where the fuck has the time gone??

1. In late 2012, I reduced my drinking.  When I saw how many calories I was intaking from booze alone, I was shocked.  No wonder I'm still a fat ass!  Now, that being said, I'm not perfect.  While my overall weekly consumption is down, I find myself having problems with what I feel like would be considered binging.  Then again, when I think about it, perhaps it is just that my body is reacting differently to alcohol and I'm getting drunker faster.  Either way, I'm not drinking every night as before and feel pretty good about it. 

2. I quit smoking in December, but have recently fallen off the wagon.  I know this is an excuse, but I am under a good deal of stress at work and sometimes have trouble channeling that into a healthy activity.  It's so easy to fall back to cigarettes, as my brain is already programmed to believe they relieve stress.  I need to program my brain into working out when I get stressed and get those natural endorphins flowing.  It's also very hard being out in public socializing with others without that cigarette.  Ugh!

3. I joined Weight Watchers.  I signed up for the hype.  I'm not sure how I feel about it.  It's only my second week in, and I'm already screwing it up.  By that I mean that I'm over my points.  It isn't a complete exercise in futility though. It has made me more aware of what I'm putting in my mouth and is helping me to make more responsible choices.  One of the biggest things that is a point hog (of course), is the booze.  You'd be amazed.  I am finding myself eating better portions, although I'm not perfect by any means. 

All in all though, it feels like I'm half-assing it.  My overall "plan" was to make these changes one at a time, then work in the physical exercise after these have stuck for a couple weeks.  But nothing is going well.  I'm not doing any one of these things "by the book." So I'm left feeling depressed about it all.  I'm striving to do better and it's not like I'm giving up, but I know I can and should do better. 

Calgon, just take me away!!

Cat crap crazy

Still here, still crazy...

Why am I putting so much emphasis on someone else to make me happy?  Shouldn't I just be able to make myself happy? 

More later...

Oh by the way...

Did you know that I'm having a mid-life crisis?  No? Yes?  Well, that's sure what it feels like. 

My exercising efforts have not been as valiant as I would have liked, but I have walked twice in the last two days.  And those walks felt pretty good.

Twenty years ago August, at the age of 18, I moved out of the only home I'd ever known and to New York City with a man I believed I would spend the rest of my life with.  I made this decision blindly (and stupidly in hindsight).  I truly believed that I would not find anyone else who would want me and love me.  As the years went by and we grew to be more roommates than lovers or partners, I started to search and find myself and who I really was and what I really wanted.  At the time, I defined myself as how other's saw me or how I thought they wanted to see me.  I started to look inward.  I allowed myself to have my own thoughts and opinions.  I knew more than anything I didn't want to continue the life I was living.  This led me to focus on my studies and I found a new love, science. 

I love science!  I love it's logic and structure.  I love that the more I learn, the more I realize that I don't know much!  I love to share what little I do know with others.  It excites me in a way I have never felt.  I still love it so.

Ten years ago August, I graduated from college and moved to Houston to start graduate school for Developmental Biology.  I was so naive.  Even though I was now 28, I had no idea what it was like to do something on my own.  I had been living with wool pulled over my eyes and basically being led by the wrist through the previous 10 years.  Although the last couple of those 10, I had been rediscovering myself, I still had no idea what I was doing. 

So here I am, 28 years old...should know better.  But I think I absolutely went a little crazy.  I started realizing and believing that a I was a person of value and that people wanted me, to be just me.  It was the first time in my life that I said and did whatever I wanted.  And I made friends!  Lots of them!  Then the romance started.  I was so surprised still that there were people in this world that would find me attractive and actually want to have sex with me!  This was a completely foreign concept. 

So let's just say that I spent the next 10 years doing a little bit of everything.  Making mistakes and learning from them, sometimes later than should have been.

Which brings us current.  Another 10 years has past and I am 38.  Where am I?  I'm still struggling to figure out what my big picture is and how I can expedite attaining the things I want in life.  As I reflect on the last 20 years of my life since I've been "an adult", I'm reminded that I still don't know much.

And why am I even bothering with this introspection?  What good does it do?  I'm not sure, but over-analyzing is apparently my second job, so I do it.  Events seem to be marked by the 10 years for me and I'm curious and hopeful that I can start this next 10 years with my eyes wide open.  At the same time, I'm terrified.  TERRIFIED!  I can't do another 10 years of wandering aimlessly, let alone one minute of it!  I need focus, direction, stability!  I need to take care of myself because as much as I don't want to admit it, there might not ever be anyone who signs up for the job.  I'm more confused than ever, and what's worse, I've met Someone...

And this Someone comes along at a pretty good time.  I overall like myself.  I like the person I've become, I'm not proud of some of the things I've done, but it's all a part of making me.  But it brings up insecurities in my subconscious that are tormenting me.  These feelings I have remind me of when I first moved here and that sense of new that everything had.  Someone is also in science and it intrigues me so very much.  I find him handsome and adorable all at the same time.  I like the way I feel when I'm with him.  And we haven't been out but only twice.  So here's where my brain goes off the tracks.  I'm totally obsessing over it and will end up smothering it if I don't stop.  I feel like I'm putting everything on this one "potential" as if it's my last chance.  Well, to be honest, that's how I feel.  I hear this fucking clock in my head "Tick, tick, tick, tick, tick..." and time just keeps marching on.  I'm more than likely at the mid-point of my life and still haven't found what I'm looking for (insert U2 reference here).  I need help... 

Are you kidding me?

This is exactly what I thought sitting in the little orientation for the Methodist Hospital weight management program.... "Are you fucking kidding me?"  $800 dollars a month (for at least the first 3 months) for this program.  Surely, you can't be serious?  I am serious, and don't call me Shirley.  Um, thanks for the pen, but no thanks.  I will do this on my own. 

It's a fascinating thought though.  Too bad I don't have an extra GRAND a month to do this.  But it brings up an interesting point that I am willing to make some serious commitments to this journey if I had really even considered this program to begin with. 

Not only would the financial commitment be considerable, but the mental changes required would be  significant.  So apparently I am ready to make these changes because if I had the money, you bet your sweet ass I'd sign up. 

Major changes include dramatically changing the way I eat, but I actually don't mind a low carbohydrate diet.  In addition, I need to go reduced fat.  And the most difficult of all will be the drinking.  However, this will be a nice test to see how strong I can really be.  So how will I start this?  Hmmmm, I am not sure.  I'm tempted to start cold turkey and just immediately eliminate the "bad" stuff from going into my pie hole.  But there is a part of my brain telling me to step down off the carbs and booze.  Food for thought.  

Baby steps

I'm far from where I want to be, but still moving in the forward direction.  I walked twice last week, but had really hoped to get at least one more in.  Still struggling with eating and boozing, but I have a feeling things are about to drastically change.

I've made an appointment today to attend a consultation at the Methodist Hospital Weight Management Center.  This is a comprehensive physician supervised program with very low calorie (VLC) restrictions.  I had a friend I knew who went on the program and lost a significant amount of weight very rapidly.  While, he was not able to keep the weight off, they also have programs to teach you once you've lost the weight how to incorporate proper habits into your life. 

So what does this mean.  It means that while I was on the program, there would be no drinking what so ever.  That is a little scary.  I am worried about the effects that will have on me.  I would say I have a dependence on alcohol, mainly for sleep.  On nights where I don't drink or only drink a little, I have very fitful, interrupted sleep.  So this is something that I would need to address with the doctors.  While they might be able to prescribe some medication to help with sleep, I can't help but think that maybe there's a bigger problem.  We'll get back to that later. 

For now, I'm nervous for this consultation.  I think it's the first time I've really sought help medically for my weight problem.  It terrifies me to think about surgery.  I have known people who have had surgery and been very happy and successfully kept their weight off after initial loss.  On the other hand, I know people who had surgery and still have a weight problem.  It's this fact, that weight loss surgery might not work for me that motivates me to seek an alternative that helps me change the way I think and interact about food and drink.

I'll let you know how it went. 

Keep calm and keep going...

Booze, booze, booze

I don't know why, but I'm in love with that word.  It kind of makes me giggle. 

I'm a drunk.  Not exactly a fact that I like seeing in words, but it's true.  I drink every night and usually over do it on the weekends.  I don't necessarily have a problem that needs intervention because I don't need to drink to get up and function.  It's just become daily routine to drink.  And I'm not alone.  I can think off hand at least a dozen people I know who do the same thing.  Do you realize how many calories are in drinks? It's a metric fuck-ton.  So not only have I not been eating the healthiest food, but I'm also overloading my body with empty boozy calories.  Awesome. According to the Franzia website (because I'm classy like that!) the Chillable Red has 105 calories per 5oz. serving.  5oz!!!! Are you kidding me?!  There are 8 fluid ounces in a cup.  Holy-portion-control Batman.  There is a major problem.  So let's break this down.  Say I drink out of a 22oz. Eskimo Joe's cup, then fill it with ice, then top with wine. How many ounces of fluid am I getting per glass?  That's the tricky part.  Even still, let's play devil's advocate here and say that on average, I get 15oz. of wine per cup, for the ease of math.  Then how many refills do I have a night?  I probably filled up my cup at least 5 times last night.  Oh Lord, here we go:

105 per 5oz. serving x 3 servings per cup x 5 times refilled = 1575.  Holy Cannoli.

So for an average weight loss, people are typically recommended to have an 1800 calorie diet per day.  Yeah, it's not rocket science here folks.  I think we're finally getting down to brass tacks here.  Booze is making and keeping me fat.  That sucks.  So if I'm really going to make a true effort here, I'm going to have to stop drinking. Period.

Day 4 Update

So I made an excuse Tuesday for not walking.  The sky did look like it was going to unleash a storm and even the temperature dropped.  But we got not one single drop of rain.  FAIL.

I also realized that I really wasn't that sore from my first walk.  Maybe I'm tooting my own horn here, but oveall, I'm not in bad shape fitness-wise.  I have good strength still, it's just covered in fat.  FAT!  Anyway...  So I decided to push myself a little more and walk another route through the neighborhood that would take me further out then obviously further to get back.  So I set out and set a pretty good pace, using my MP3 player to help me set the pace by playing upbeat music.  I also changed my stride a little, trying to take longer strides, increasing the strain on my muscles used for each step.  This seemed to work faily well as I felt I had a good heartrate going and felt that it would have been slightly dificult to carry on a conversation if I had to.  So I weaved through my neighborhood, fighting sidewalks that have given up against tree roots.